Match reports

Happy New Year mother fuckers. Complaints of the season and all that crap.

Here goes fuckall!

Allan was first to arrive at Pepe's place just after 6. Who knew that Atlantic Beach allowed it's residents to house horses?

Not too long after that Jark and Dom pulled in and Pepe had to re-enforce to Dom that the horses were child friendly. On opening the chipset, there were no cards and the team went into full on virgo mode. Who was going to phone who? Who was going to call an uber to have the cards picked up from Ken's place? Then Pepe opened up the games cabinet in his extensively stocked bar and pulled out 2 decks of cards. Problem solved!

Before the match report starts, I'll get the dinner critique out of the way. It is plain to see who wears the pants in the house as Pepe clearly did not instruct Tracy to get to work and cook up a storm. He did try and hide his emasculation by asking us if Tracy had greeted us with the correct amount of respect. After a few iterations, the order was placed and a call to Steers followed shortly. Not the succulent pork belly and soft, yet crunchy, roasted potates we have become accustomed too, but a great chow down nonetheless.

Onto the poker...

Robbie, always the safe one, decided that pulling out was the best method on contraception and at the 12th hour his spot was taken up by Duncan. Aparrently a last minute camping trip with his family is more important than spending time with his mates!

Initially the conversation hinged solely around the format of the game for the year, the re-introduction of the league and debate around the rules. Allan agreed to put a website together detailing the rules and results and in the meantime, Pepe's spreadsheet will suffice. Then it turned to more frivolous and general banter. The total pot size of R3k suffered a little and missed the additional R200 from each player, now a tithe to the most consistent player in the league.

Ken was noticeably absent from the game as the bets were more conservative and without his 300 chip pre-flop raises, the players weren't dissuaded too often from seeing the flop. The game was definitely not as loud, not as rowdy and fewer hands stalling due to engaged conversations.

At this point a noteable mention and shoutout goes to Nick who at one stage went down to almost no chips and complained about not having all his chips taken so he could buy in again. He crawled back into the game, to the detriment of the total prize pot, and built up his stack to become a force to be reckoned with. A long explanation for fuck all really as he eventually did lose all his chips and did have to buy in again.

Duncan was first to go after the break earning the first points of the league for the year and performing an admirable job as dealer. At this stage, possibly a diversionary tactic from Pepe, Pepe pulled out the whiskey and cigars and then the game continued...

Next out was Allan, a victim to Dom, who as chip leader played a 35 percenter and managed to squeeze out a 'J9' 2 pair from the community cards, much to Allan's horror and disbelief.

Anna Kounikova was noticeably absent from the game and very few of the Big 5 were present in the showdowns...

An all-in pre-flop is now called the 7-2 shuffle as it reared it's head once again with alarming regularity... In total, winning the blinds for the holder 7 times: Pepe x 2, Nick x 2, Duncan x 1, Jark x 1 and Allan x 1. Did I leave anyone out? No I did not! You read correctly, Dom was the only unlucky bastard to not get a 7-2 win. However he did win a saliva shower courtesy of the larger horse and in a fashion reminiscent of Slimer from Ghostbusters.

Jark was out on the bubble. Duncan decided he'd had enough of shuffling and took a long haitus while Jark and Allan took the reins. With the pot being conservative, the number of starting players being low and the blinds increasing with each knockout, it was clear that the surviving players would not be around much longer and the game would play out to it's ultimate conclusion.

Pepe lost a large chunk of change to Dom shortly after the break and this ultimately was his downfall and fell victim shortly Jark's demise to end up in the 3rd spot, walking away with R300.

This left Nick and Dom in a headsup battle. Eventhough Dom took Allan's chips and the large percentage of Pepe's chips after the break to become the chip leader, Nick once again displayed the tenacity and fortitude that he had showed in the earlier rounds to overcome Dom and walk away with the 1st win of the 2023 season. Dom leaving the table R900 richer in 2nd place and Nick pocketing the R1800 1st prize!

I feel sorry for any fucker that tries to rob someone at Atlantic Beach. Jark and Allan left shortly after 11:30 while the rest continued with a cash game. Both of them getting horribly lost trying to exit the gated community and had to phone a friend to work out how the fuck to find the only exit after 11pm!

Hope you buggers have a great week and look forward to the next game. Rules, hosting, webpage, dates, etc. should follow shortly!

Here goes mother truckers...

Firstly, to stop Dom's incessant whining about a match report, I choose the coward's way out. To shut him the fuck up, I have given into his request and blurbed out another one.

I'll start with the absentees from roll call. Duncan's slurred commentary and late game delaying tactics, Nick's dry sense of humour and tax quips, and Stan's dedicated conversations with Ken during play were sorely missed.

You don't need to read the rest if you don't want to, spoiler alert, the winner was Allan!

A late start was proposed in the whatsapp group and instead of the usual 6pm, 6:30pm was the declared kickoff time. Ken offered his place as a venue for Rob and when Allan arrived just after 6, striking up his first joint, Dom was already there. Surprise, surprise! His early arrival hastened by the crotchling at home and his desire to find some peace amongst some rowdy old farts at their monthly poker game.

- No host! No Robbie... 6:15ish

At this point, Allan garnered some black bags, a torch, a cutting knife from Ken and harvested the remainder of the devil's lettuce in Ken's garden. While Allan was gardening, Pepe arrived.

- Still no host! Still no Robbie... 6:30ish...

After packing up the green gold into black bags, Allan divvyied up the chips into the starting stacks and the game was started, with the late arrival's being blinded out.

- Where's the host! Where's Wally... 7:00ish...

At this stage, Allan's second joint had made an appearance so it's a little hazy as to the order and timing from here on out and I'm not 100% if it was Robbie or Steve who arrived next? In staying with the theme of this report, my bet is on Steve. I have absolutely no idea what time it is.

- Has the host absconded? Where the fuck is that english git...

The game was on. And once again yielded some very interesting results. 7/2 was not it's usual prolific self with a single 7/2 win in the early rounds and one 'fold and show' later. I'm going to go a little off topic now. "Steve! Heads up bud, you only make money as a whore when you play that loose". Spending 44% of his total buy-in contributions to date in one game, Steve was a little loose at the start but did tighten up later to become the 3rd dealer of the night.

- Woo Hoo! Our host has arrived! 7:40ish...

Robbie graced up with his presence brandishing the colonel's bucket and some large brown paper bags diguised as "dinner" with his usual wry smile. The game continued without missing a beat and at either side of 8, dinner was declared. No surprises as Rob had walked in with the KFC bucket. The chicken was great... wait for it... the big reveal in the brown paper bags was... chips! No mash, no coleslaw, no imagination. Accompanying the multitude of bags of chips was the 4 tiny sachets of chilli salt and 4 serviettes. The game continued...

Trips and Jacks were the order of the day with fewer than normal runner runner donkey wins. After some inappropriate paedo jokes, crude name calling and weird ass bets it was rebuy time. At the time it seemed like that the game was slower than usual and yet it yielded the 2nd highest average buy-in per player this year.

For the first time this year as first dealer, Pepe was first out. He had the stamina and it took a while for him to set the mood of the table but fuck me, all he did was whine about the fact he thought the betting was a little frugal. Not much later, Ken found himself in the position of 2nd dealer. The table was shuffled a bit and blinds were starting to get expensive.

- More whinging and terrible betting advice from Pepe and Ken

"Robbie wear your fucking glasses!". A saying that became almost a mantra as Robbie's eyesight deteriorated steadily as the night progressed. Steve joined the dealers ranks next and the game tightened up. This was quite surprising as I would hazard a guess he was chip leader at the buy-in. Bubble boy was Dom who's stack had experienced a bit of a bipolar evening. Allan by this stage had consumed the portions of chicken on behalf of the no shows and klapped the 3rd spliff with Ken.

- More whining and horrendous betting advice from Pepe and Ken

3rd place went to Robbie, and then there were 2. Jark and Allan... It wasn't long for the last place to be decided and with a pair of nines topping a pair of eights, Allan went home with the spoils. Birthday boy Jark took second place rounding off his first week of his 50th in the money.

See you at the next one!

The long awaited match report....

What have we missed....

July - Stan's amazing potjie and Pepe's straight flush...

August - Duncan's pizza party in town and awesome poker room doubling up as a board room...

September - Ken's change of location into the garage and delicious chicken curry...

There has also been a number of Quads over the 3 games...

Now that we're coming to the end of the season, who's in the running for top spot?

- 1st place: Dom, the most consistent, 2nd place after the first game and in 1st spot since then.

- 2nd place: Ken, lowest place 8th in Feb has consistently progressed up a position per game from 5th spot in July.

- 3rd place: Jark, who's been in 2nd place since June has slipped into 3rd spot.

- 4th place: Allan, leap frogging Pepe after his win.

- 5th place: Pepe, who was joint 3rd on points with Ken sliding down into 5th spot.

It's coming down to the last game as to who will end up winning the league. Major contenders are the top 3, Dom, Ken and Jark. What will make the end result interesting will be the double points allocation which gives Allan, Pepe and Duncan an outside chance at the top spot. Nick, Stan, Rob and Steve have absolutely no fucking chance of ending in the money for the league game... However, I'm sure a cash game will be played where they can make a little bit on the side! All is fair in love, war and gambling. Allan shall be bringing magic brownies to the weekend away and hopefully gain a slight competitive advantage.

Now, October's match report!

The first thing that springs to mind is the total expression of surprise on Robbie's face when greeted by the other players. The "Fuck, it's good to see you Rob" statement perplexed Robbie. "I haven't missed that many games" look on Rob's face was priceless. Rob, I am the keeper of the stats. Rob, Nick and Stan are tied last place for attendance with each of them only attending 50% of the games this year.

Steve, Ken, Duncan and Allan have a 90% record playing 9/10 games, and Dom, Pepe and Jark getting the teacher's pet award for their diligence and their 100% attendance record.

The second thing that springs to mind is the pouring arms of Duncan and Stan. The hooligan juice was flowing liberally which resulted in a face plant to the poker table and Stan being blinded out. His last chips being stolen by a classic 7/2 winning hand from Duncan. However the fun and games did not end there. Reminiscent of awaking a dinosaur from extinction, once Stan had been moved to the couch and was snoring like the thunder in a Johannesburg electrical storm, getting him from the couch to the car proved to be a task for the medical emergency team of the Springboks...

Ken, although he ended up 2nd and took home R1800 was hammered on the river by almost everyone on the table which resulted in a number of rebuys and ate into his winnings for the night.

Pepe and Dom must hang their heads in shame. Being taken out of the game while Stan was catatonic on the table. However, one must commend their dealing skills and congratulate them on a job well done and send them a participation award.

7th place on the night was Stan who at the early stages of the game couldn't help himself from letting the entire table know that he was chip leader by a substantial margin.

Stevie in 6th place, not much to say here except that you are the "Man of the house". I'm sure the lads will agree that under your expert guidance Lizzie cooked up a storm and produced an amazing pulled pork, coleslaw and roasted butternut combo!!! Hell yeah!

A highlight this year, with the exception of Allan's late pizza delivery way back in February, has been the quality of the chow! Rob, KFC bucket not included but was appreciated!

5th spot, Jark, causing him to slip down from 2nd to 3rd on the logs.

Duncan popped the bubble in 4th and a delighted Rob, taking 3rd place and R600 from the pot, ending -R200 for the night.

Allan and Ken went into heads up mode, turned over their hands and let the cards fall. Allan's 8/7 taking Ken's 10/8 with a 7 being dealt on the turn.

It's been a good year lads, a few controversial debates and for a bunch of dicks, surprisingly a whole bunch of fun!

Roll on the weekend of the 24th November...